From the front lines

There I was, 3AM sitting on an ottoman eating lunch meat out of the package. My mind was stuck on the events that had taken place in the last couple of days.

For those not in the know, I had thrown a big show for Pride weekend and it was not turning out as well as I had hoped. The performers were amazing and it was a lot of fun overall, but no one was there to see it. Okay, that is a lie. There were some people there but nothing to shake a stick at and expect a reaction.

At the end of the night, all the money was collected from the door and was counted out. Expenses due to the venue were paid and any employees were then taken care of, but after all that, I was left with nothing to give back to those that had been booked for the night. I was now left with the difficult task of telling my friends that I did not have the money I was so eagerly hoping to give them.

So eager in fact, that I talked up a storm about how much I wanted to give. And I was proud of myself too. I felt that, if I could give my friends and fellow performers that amount, I would be looked at highly. Appreciated for the things I was capable of doing. Deep down, I was looking for recognition so I could fill a gap inside myself. The place where I couldn't even give myself the recognition.

I was not capable of what I tried to do and now I was going to have to pay for it. Literal or not.

At first, I thought it would be something simple. What could happen? I'll just be completely honest with them and tell them the door did not bring in as much as it was supposed to bring. That the show fell below expectations as far as attendance does and there was nothing I could do about that. So I did. I sent out a personal message to each person, letting them know of everything that had happened and how sorry I was for not meeting expectations. I had hoped that my sincerity would be enough to pull me through the moment.

It was not that simple though.

Some were upset. Feeling as though I swindled them into a pseudo-paid gig only to pull back the cash at the last minute. Some even went as far as to say that I left out specific information and that they agreed to a show under false pretenses. And now, I was stuck. There was a bump and I didn't know what to do.

I was told by a friend that you should never mix friendship and business. That I needed to take it as strictly business and move on. Resolve any issues and let it all go from there. They were telling me this as a friend and not a business partner. But what was I supposed to do? I was clueless.

After reading through a few long-winded emails, I was pretty upset. At first mad, I wanted to write back with harsh words and finalize last moments of friendships. Hoping to never see them ever flourish. Then it became sadness, I lost all words and could do nothing more than to sit there, helpless and cry. I had fucked up. I had thoroughly allowed myself to lose sight, build lofty goals and go beyond what I was comfortable with doing. All those feelings mixed up in a big bowl of hot mess.

I wrote and sent out my responses to the emails but where was I really at that moment? And where would it go from there?

Can friendships be sustained after a hard blow like that? Or would it be hanging over the heads of those involved; constantly eyeing you as you walked by them?

I didn't know, but I needed to find out. And with a heavy heart, I sure as hell knew, I was going to find out.

From the front lines, without a weapon or any armor to protect myself.

Hanging On

Something has been on my mind lately. Everyday we meet new people. The faces go by us at all times during the day. And sometimes, you come across a face that makes you stop for a moment and want to explore it more. So, you take a chance and you socialize. You might hang out, go out on a date or just have sex on their apartment floor. Then you come to a bump in the road. You've changed your mind. You've received something from the exchange and are not sure where to go next. Some continue to hold onto the connection, but why do we do it? Are we looking for something more to gain from the experience. To push that even further, are we only in it for the return?

Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for relationships and connections, but why the need to hang on? Are we genuinely interested in this person or are we afraid to admit to ourselves that we've changed our minds?

So we go with it. Ignoring the fact that it is unwanted and keep fulfilling an empty something. Fearful that, if we confront the individual with the fresh lack of interest, they might blow up on us and make the situation even worse. But, in the end, by continuing it, we are only making that final situation even more impending doom and a sharper knife.

This is something that seems to go on a lot and I see it everyday, not only with my friends but even with myself. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to holding on to a friendship, even though there is a not much interest. I may not have a desire to see the person right now but who knows, I may in the future? Is that right?

I am going to look further into this and come back to writing it out.