Dual Actors

We run into different types of people everyday, and I talk about them a lot. Sometimes too much, but that's besides the point.

Anyways. I encountered an interesting set of personality types recently. Those that act from the stage and those that act from the audience.

One type, parades their feelings, actions, drama, happenings in front of people. Trying to portray it in a subtle way, turning a blind eye to the fact there are "people watching", but actually knowing they are and looking for a reaction. This is especially true with facebook and their "relationship status" updates. Depending on when you make the change, determines how much of a spectacle you are making it out to be. And even so, just doing it makes it a spectacle because all your "friends" will see it. Why do we do this? Are we initially angry and want to just wipe all our shit all over the table?

Then there are is the other type. Those who act from the audience. They don't throw it all out at once for others to see. Sometimes they don't even DO anything. They just let it pass. Only those who inquire and ask really find out about anything. It's not a spectacle but more of a passing.

Is there ever a mix of the two?

Hanging On P.2

Before, I was talking about connections that we hang on to, and wondering why we do that. Sometimes it's not needed anymore but we continue to hold on. Well, I needed time to figure that one out. And the universe gave me my chance to figure it out. With two examples:

For the first one, I will tell you about a man. Someone who is older and was very sweet from the get go. He was full of compliments and seemed genuinely all right with his stuff. Something that seemed so nice about him was that he was helping this younger Queer boy get on his feet. Considerably younger but it was nice of him to offer some help. I should have seen some of the red flags from the beginning. I slowly learned that this man had issues with emotional connections. He was what some like to call, a "psychic vampire". Someone who sucks the emotional energies from others and drains them. Most of the time, they do not know they are doing this, but it still happens.

He needed a lot of reassurance. He was having problems, not only with the boy but within himself. The man couldn't find his own emotional barrings and was trying to latch onto other people to hold him up. At first I thought I was up for the challenge. I am a giving person and have a strong enough will most of the time to help people out. This man proved me wrong on all those fronts and tested the strength of my powers quickly. No matter what I did or what advice I gave, he would need more. It was as if what I was doing or saying was going in one ear and out the other. I didn't think my words were wrong or my advice not delivered sweetly enough. He just wasn't in a place to receive the help.

I finally was not going to be able to do it anymore and started to distance myself. Well, that only made things worse. When I wouldn't respond or wouldn't be available, the man would go into a depression and be very passive aggressive in what he would say. He would send long text messages about how hurt he was feeling but wouldn't "think to ask for my help, because I was such a caring person and had done so much for him already". For the first couple times, this would bring me back in but then I would start to distance myself again because I realized that too was a unintentional ploy for affection that would not help.

The last straw, and why I am cutting off this man, was when he disappeared for 2 weeks. He had texted me saying he was feeling absolutely horrible and that he was going to leave. I assumed the worse and tried to communicate with him to no avail. I thought he was dead. Fast forward two weeks and he was just out of town and needed a road trip "without his phone". I definitely let him know how I felt about this and that he was wrong for being so drastic in action and message. To which he responded with more passive aggression. I was done. And I am done.

Person two, and this one is a lot lighter in tone. He was a man I met online. Really sweet, funny and quite cute. We met and played games and flirted in his hotel room. I was really enjoying his company. But I had also been seeing someone else new as well. We'll call him "Vancouver Nurse Student or VNS". Equally as fun and attractive as well as a lot of fun in and out of bed. Where the issue comes in, is that I was beginning to go somewhere with VNS and was starting to have that feeling to distance myself from person two. I couldn't tell him though. It was hard enough as it is that he took me out for dinner and a movie and we had a grand time. I decided to let it slide for now and continue. Well, I recently saw VNS again and we hit it off even more, which solidified what I needed to decide. I was going to being seeing person two again and this time I was going to tell him that we needed to be seeing each other as friends only. That I was seeing someone else that I wanted to get more romantic with and call off other engagements.

I got together with him and we were hanging out, but instead I let myself slip and we ended up in bed. We didn't do a lot, there was not real sex involved. Just hands and kissing, but still. I was just going to have fun that night, nothing romantic but I failed with that. He took me home and I felt bad for not saying anything to him about how I was feeling. But I figured that I need to do it now, before I see him again. In some form other than in person. At least as a means to lighten the load. I have not done it yet but I am going to do it soon. I guess the thing here is, if you don't do what you know is right, you'll just keep doing what you know is wrong.

Hanging on prevents us from moving forward and we might hinder things that could be coming down the pipeline for us. Worse even, we may make things fail in succession, like dominoes. I've let go of one connection, now I need to work on the other. And have an interesting, learning time, with it.

From the front lines

There I was, 3AM sitting on an ottoman eating lunch meat out of the package. My mind was stuck on the events that had taken place in the last couple of days.

For those not in the know, I had thrown a big show for Pride weekend and it was not turning out as well as I had hoped. The performers were amazing and it was a lot of fun overall, but no one was there to see it. Okay, that is a lie. There were some people there but nothing to shake a stick at and expect a reaction.

At the end of the night, all the money was collected from the door and was counted out. Expenses due to the venue were paid and any employees were then taken care of, but after all that, I was left with nothing to give back to those that had been booked for the night. I was now left with the difficult task of telling my friends that I did not have the money I was so eagerly hoping to give them.

So eager in fact, that I talked up a storm about how much I wanted to give. And I was proud of myself too. I felt that, if I could give my friends and fellow performers that amount, I would be looked at highly. Appreciated for the things I was capable of doing. Deep down, I was looking for recognition so I could fill a gap inside myself. The place where I couldn't even give myself the recognition.

I was not capable of what I tried to do and now I was going to have to pay for it. Literal or not.

At first, I thought it would be something simple. What could happen? I'll just be completely honest with them and tell them the door did not bring in as much as it was supposed to bring. That the show fell below expectations as far as attendance does and there was nothing I could do about that. So I did. I sent out a personal message to each person, letting them know of everything that had happened and how sorry I was for not meeting expectations. I had hoped that my sincerity would be enough to pull me through the moment.

It was not that simple though.

Some were upset. Feeling as though I swindled them into a pseudo-paid gig only to pull back the cash at the last minute. Some even went as far as to say that I left out specific information and that they agreed to a show under false pretenses. And now, I was stuck. There was a bump and I didn't know what to do.

I was told by a friend that you should never mix friendship and business. That I needed to take it as strictly business and move on. Resolve any issues and let it all go from there. They were telling me this as a friend and not a business partner. But what was I supposed to do? I was clueless.

After reading through a few long-winded emails, I was pretty upset. At first mad, I wanted to write back with harsh words and finalize last moments of friendships. Hoping to never see them ever flourish. Then it became sadness, I lost all words and could do nothing more than to sit there, helpless and cry. I had fucked up. I had thoroughly allowed myself to lose sight, build lofty goals and go beyond what I was comfortable with doing. All those feelings mixed up in a big bowl of hot mess.

I wrote and sent out my responses to the emails but where was I really at that moment? And where would it go from there?

Can friendships be sustained after a hard blow like that? Or would it be hanging over the heads of those involved; constantly eyeing you as you walked by them?

I didn't know, but I needed to find out. And with a heavy heart, I sure as hell knew, I was going to find out.

From the front lines, without a weapon or any armor to protect myself.

Hanging On

Something has been on my mind lately. Everyday we meet new people. The faces go by us at all times during the day. And sometimes, you come across a face that makes you stop for a moment and want to explore it more. So, you take a chance and you socialize. You might hang out, go out on a date or just have sex on their apartment floor. Then you come to a bump in the road. You've changed your mind. You've received something from the exchange and are not sure where to go next. Some continue to hold onto the connection, but why do we do it? Are we looking for something more to gain from the experience. To push that even further, are we only in it for the return?

Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for relationships and connections, but why the need to hang on? Are we genuinely interested in this person or are we afraid to admit to ourselves that we've changed our minds?

So we go with it. Ignoring the fact that it is unwanted and keep fulfilling an empty something. Fearful that, if we confront the individual with the fresh lack of interest, they might blow up on us and make the situation even worse. But, in the end, by continuing it, we are only making that final situation even more impending doom and a sharper knife.

This is something that seems to go on a lot and I see it everyday, not only with my friends but even with myself. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to holding on to a friendship, even though there is a not much interest. I may not have a desire to see the person right now but who knows, I may in the future? Is that right?

I am going to look further into this and come back to writing it out.